Surviving Mondays is hard as it is. What more if we survived the Mondays that Sadako is in? Let’s think for a second if we can overcome the horrors of the horror films that gives us the shits. It’s one thing to be scared —being in your favorite jumpscare is another!
Let’s rate these films from drama to trauma in our MOVIE MONDAYS and see if you could sing Survivor by Destiny’s Child after it all.
1st: GET OUT, 2017 (Dir. Jordan Peele)
This film is a contemporary horror film by Jordan Peele (of the Key and Peele fame). It mirrors the dreadful internal and external tension of racism here in the nation, not just America alone. It also says a lot on how crazy white people could be and how liberalist ideals could just be a mask on how shitty some people’s true ideals can be. Mind you, to the point of being murderous and betting on a black man’s life for their own gain.
WILL YOU GET OUT? Yes, if you’re white or a minority that no privilege person should fuck with. But the true key here, as Childish Gambino sang, is to stay woke. If you’re still blind about white supremacy while you’re in this film’s world— good luck.
2nd: IT, 2017 (dir. by Andrés Muschietti)
Seven young outcasts faces their biggest nightmare in an ancient, shapeshifting evil that is this iconic clown right here. IT has been rebooted and IT is scarier than before. We want to say that this creepy clown to dominate all creepy clowns has been in our dreams. And by we mean dreams, we mean nightmares. Let’s see if this entity still has its charms after the 27 years had passed.
WILL YOU FLOAT DOWN THERE? Honey, if you ain’t a child or starring in Stranger Things for that matter, you’ll probably be fine. The privilege of growing up is not having to be stupid enough to follow creepy clowns. You can keep your balloons mister, we have paychecks now.
3RD: SAW, 2004 (dir. by James Wan)
Adam and Lawrence were two strangers that got trapped into a sadistic mindfuck torture session in a dirty bathroom somewhere in the middle of nowhere by Jigsaw. This movie includes the worst and the rustiest torture device known to men. Also included in this overglorified torture shop tv catalogue is the human mind.
COULD YOU WIN THE GAME? Well, that’s exactly what Jigsaw wants you to do. He might be a sick and twisted soul, but he has good intentions on him. You can survive this film but for the price of your morality…. and sanity.
4th: THE RING, 2002 (dir. by Hideo Nakata)
A cursed videotape with a creepy Japanese woman crawling out of a well has been a subject of one detective’s frustration and our nightmares as well. The Ring throughout the years made it’s way to become an instant horror classic. It’s an investigatory thriller mixed in with some feminist elements, but overall it’s fucking creepy and we’re still really afraid of Sadako. She ruined TV static even more for us.
CAN YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL? Hell no. Maybe if you don’t find the type you’ll be okay. But if you do find the tape, please accept that you’re screwed. We’re sorry but as soon as you find that videotape, you have to accept that life has screwed you over and God has abandoned you. Seven days is enough to fulfill some last wishes right? Take that poetry lesson you’ve always talked about, perhaps?
5th: HUMAN CENTIPEDE, 2010 (dir. Tom Six)
Josef Heiter, a derranged surgeon, planned to make his sick and twisted fantasies happen. This isn’t some BDSM kink. It’s in a fucked up Salom level of shittiness (literally). Are you ready to put the hell no in threesome?
CAN YOU GET OUT OF THIS SHITTY SITUATION? Let’s say avoid Germany for a while. If you can’t stay away out of Berlin for awhile, then maybe we’ll see you never. Hope you like Two Girls in One Cup at least.
6th: THE GRUDGE, 2002 (dir. by Takashi Shimizu)
What’s there to say about this other Japanese horror classic? A mysterious and vengeful spirit screwing with everyone? Yeah, okay. We’re done here. Just Googling the photos for this film is enough to give you the creeps.
FROM UNDER YOUR SHEETS? Yeah, no. If you’re in the universe of this film, you might as well say your final prayers and look forward to accepting death in your life. It was nice knowing you.